The happiest
unicorn on earth
He is pink, he is round, and he is loved by everyone. This has been confirmed by everyone.
The snout is short and almost childish. The tunic is black, buttoned, and one size too small. The smile arrives instantly and then stays for slightly longer than a smile normally stays, until the room becomes aware of how long it has been.
He has never been contradicted. Not because contradiction is forbidden — he would be hurt to hear you suggest that — but because nobody has ever wanted to.
This is not a missile
This is a gift of love. It has fins, a nose cone and a guidance system, because love should be accurate.
Peaceful purposes
The Scientists confirm the horn is intended entirely for peaceful purposes, and is also the most advanced weapon in the world. Both statements are official.
Affectionate
The horn's range is described in state media as “as far as the love goes”, which is not a unit.
Continuous
Tests are announced as celebrations. Celebrations are announced as tests. The difference is a matter of tone.
Love is not
compulsory
It is simply that nobody has ever chosen otherwise. The button is right there. It has always been right there.
The counter on the left is real: it goes up by one every time somebody attempts it, and it is shared by everyone who visits. The counter on the right is also real. It has never moved, and the Generals would like it noted that it never will.
200 cars,
zero roads
Every one of them is his. None of them has been anywhere.
A road-building programme was announced. It was the greatest road-building programme ever announced.
Applaud,
or else
The parade never really ends. It pauses between one parade and the next, and the pause is also called a parade, because the route exists for marching and for nothing else.
Attendance is not compulsory. Everybody attends anyway, in matching colours, smiling in the specific way that has been rehearsed since childhood and is now simply called smiling.
The official slogan painted along the route reads “Applaud or Else”. Nobody has ever seen the “or else”. Nobody has ever wanted to.
Everybody agrees
The Previous Unicorn
Still on every poster. Still slightly larger than everyone else in each photograph.
The Eternal Unicorn
Literally eternal. The position was not vacated, merely extended indefinitely.
The Sister
Says nothing. Stands slightly to the left. Everybody watches where she is looking.
The Generals
A row of uniformed unicorns who applaud continuously. Their hooves are a matter of national pride and personal concern.
The Scientists
Confirm whatever needs confirming, in the order it needs confirming.
The American Eagle
Shouts “sanctions” from a considerable distance and then goes quiet for several months.
The Chinese Dragon
Says “friendship” while meaning “please do not do anything surprising this week”.
The Southern Pony
Elegant, watching from across a line, never quite commenting.
The official
biography
Every item below is confirmed. It was confirmed by the Scientists, who confirmed it in the order it needed confirming.
The biography is one volume, it is very heavy, and there is no second volume, because a second volume would imply the first one had left something out.
The double rainbow
He was born under two rainbows at once. The flag has carried both ever since, which is why the flag is slightly too wide for most flagpoles.
Galloped at three weeks
Then stopped, sat down, and was applauded for eleven minutes. He has never needed to gallop again and considers the matter settled.
Six operas, one winter
All six are performed annually. None of them has a second act, because the first act ends with everybody agreeing.
Eleven holes in one
On his first ever round. The course closed the following morning, permanently, in celebration, and has not reopened in case somebody scores ten.
He does not need to eat
He eats anyway, warmly and often, and usually in front of a delegation that has not been offered anything.
He invented a fruit
It is a plum. It has been renamed. The old name is no longer printed and the older unicorns have stopped using it out of politeness.
The weather obeys
It has never rained on a parade. It has rained during parades, but state media classifies that as a shorter parade.
He asked for none of this
The statues were the people's idea. The people were asked whether the statues were their idea and the people said yes, immediately, all of them.
This week's
bulletin
Eight pages. Seven of them are about him. The eighth is the weather, which is also about him.
Corrections are not printed in The Daily Love. In its entire history there has been nothing to correct.
The numbers
$UNICORN has not launched. No contract, liquidity pool or market exists, so the rows above read UNAVAILABLE: nothing has been measured, and nothing is loading. The pink meter is the character speaking about himself; the Register is the page speaking for itself. Any address offered in the name of $UNICORN today did not come from us, and nothing here is financial advice. The Unicorn Files is satire: its cast is a herd of animals in a fictional kingdom, and none of it reports on a real person or country.