The happiest
unicorn on earth
He is pink, he is round, and he is loved by everyone. This has been confirmed by everyone.
The snout is short and almost childish. The tunic is black, buttoned, and one size too small. The smile arrives instantly and then stays for slightly longer than a smile normally stays, until the room becomes aware of how long it has been.
He has never been contradicted. Not because contradiction is forbidden — he would be hurt to hear you suggest that — but because nobody has ever wanted to.
This is not a missile
This is a gift of love. It has fins, a nose cone and a guidance system, because love should be accurate.
Peaceful purposes
The Scientists confirm the horn is intended entirely for peaceful purposes, and is also the most advanced weapon in the world. Both statements are official.
Affectionate
The horn's range is described in state media as “as far as the love goes”, which is not a unit.
Continuous
Tests are announced as celebrations. Celebrations are announced as tests. The difference is a matter of tone.
Love is not
compulsory
It is simply that nobody has ever chosen otherwise. The button is right there. It has always been right there.
The counter on the left is real: it goes up by one every time somebody attempts it, and it is shared by everyone who visits. The counter on the right is also real. It has never moved. $UNICORN has not launched and has no contract address — nothing on this page is a market figure.
200 cars,
zero roads
Every one of them is his. None of them has been anywhere.
A road-building programme was announced. It was the greatest road-building programme ever announced.
Everybody agrees
The Previous Unicorn
Still on every poster. Still slightly larger than everyone else in each photograph.
The Eternal Unicorn
Literally eternal. The position was not vacated, merely extended indefinitely.
The Sister
Says nothing. Stands slightly to the left. Everybody watches where she is looking.
The Generals
A row of uniformed unicorns who applaud continuously. Their hooves are a matter of national pride and personal concern.
The Scientists
Confirm whatever needs confirming, in the order it needs confirming.
The American Eagle
Shouts “sanctions” from a considerable distance and then goes quiet for several months.
The Chinese Dragon
Says “friendship” while meaning “please do not do anything surprising this week”.
The Southern Pony
Elegant, watching from across a line, never quite commenting.
The numbers
$UNICORN has not launched. There is no contract address, no pool and no market. Those rows read UNAVAILABLE because nothing has been measured, not because a number is loading. The pink meter above is the character talking about himself; the panel below it is the site telling you the truth. If anyone shows you a $UNICORN contract address today, it is not ours.